And a little bit about Me: Thanks for the few emails checking up on me…….yes, I do tend to be a visual person with my photos and less writing , esp. about me, I tend to be somewhat conservative and a little private, I’m sure too much for my own good.
I know like me, people are super busy.....figured in the endless sea of bloggers who is going to sit down and read little happenings of my life? So, if your realllllly bored here goes:
I have the most wonderful husband, Doug. I have been with him since I was 14 and he was 17....we were high school sweethearts & have been married for 17 yrs....together for almost 24. Looking back, to my amazement, the Lord opened my eyes to see such a sweet amazing man and he has only got better each year we are married.
We have tried to get pregnant for 13 yrs. and in the meantime {13 yrs. ago} Doug also got very sick. The first year, he went undiagnosed, he lost alot of weight {and wasn't big to begin with}, bleeding, terrible stomach pain to name a few, we thought he had some type of cancer and couldn't figure out why the dr's could not tell us what was wrong. Long story short, he was finally diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and eventually Crohn's disease. Instead of taking 17 pills a day as he had done for several years, he now has to go get a $7,000 {we have pretty good insurance, but it doesn’t pay for all of it} IV treatment every 8 weeks.....for the past 4 yrs. The treatment holds up almost until the next treatment, but it scares me as he has to have the treatment to live a pretty normal life. In all of this, he is still the same sweet, non~complaining boy he's always been. ….he is truly Amazing.
As for me, trying to get pregnant all of these years while all of my friends got pregnant {and eventually all their little sisters}....if I had to go to one more baby shower and have precious little clothes passed in front of me, it's like a knife twisting at my heart. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo happy for all of them, they have sweet kid's and I would want them happy for me as well.
I have had all the test that go with "trying" to see why I can't get pregnant, and eventually 6 inseminations.
And for our last hope InvitroFertilization {$10,000 that insurance doesn't pay for}.....my eggs didn't even last long enough for them to get put back in me {the dr's didn't mind though, they keep the full amount of our money, when the whole second half of the procedure didn't even take place}. I had surgery to see if I had endometriosis {I think it was in '99}, turns out I was covered with endometriosis....they scraped me out and gave me great hope that I would get pregnant. Well, years later, still nothing. All the endometriosis had grown back and eventually I had to have another surgery, a full hysterectomy almost 2 yrs. ago. Talk about another chapter of my life being closed shut. I was horrified, in shock.....thinking how could something so awful, that everyone {ok, almost everyone, I know many are in my boat, it just feels like I’m the only one Left Behind!} else gets to do....have children....and I can't!?
So, each holiday that passes, is heartbreaking. Each time I have to walk by baby clothes, each time someone says, “So how many kid’s do yall have?”, then they forget what I’ve told them and ask me a few more times, or unphased they will say, “Why don’t you just go adopt some?” Believe me, we have thought of everything, every avenue and we have done it all.
I always feel if I stay super busy and never slow down, my mind doesn't have time to wander:
Like running fast enough in a nightmare that the boogie~man never catches me……It’s very haunting.
In a sick way I’m glad the path we have been taken down……….as it’s made us who we are. A reality that makes you live happily everyday, not argue & to be grateful for the tiniest thing. To see things differently than some folks that are way too caught up in materialistic things, the square footage of their house, the size of their jeans, being the most popular, making the most money, living in judgment when people don’t act as they think they should. One day they will be lightly tapped with reality that washes away their eyesight to see everything in a whole new light.
Now, I can't think of anything worse in this world than losing someone you desperately love……esp. a child that you have held & loved…..so in no way is it a comparison to that, but in my own little world: The only way I could explain of not having a child is like.....it’s like grieving the death of a child without a face.
So, I know it can always be worse.....that many of you have been through a similar path, maybe not with a child, but something heartbreaking just the same.
We are currently going down another path in hopes of adopting, but it is too early to know anything for sure and only time will tell~
So, when reality sets in, as it does with all of us everyday…….having a close family, a wonderful husband, a wonderful story book marriage, reading words of wisdom, creating art, staying busy, Faith & being soooooo very grateful for what I do have and realizing how blessed I really am………helps.
